So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
