but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
PANTIES FOUND
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