shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
