She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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