i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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