Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
