just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
