What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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