I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
