I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
