I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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