There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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