I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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