Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
