I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
