I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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