I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
