I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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