Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Randomize
