did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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