apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize