turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
