a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
