her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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