I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
