Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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