UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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