True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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