Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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