ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
