i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
