Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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