i wish starbucks made bloody marys
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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