It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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