Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
