Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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