Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
