If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
