I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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