omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
