it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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