what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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