Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
