I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
