She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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