I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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