Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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