Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
