I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
