my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
