Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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