i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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