watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize