really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
