If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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