I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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