if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
